Amidst Nothingness and Unkwowness

For a moment I thought I’d make it sound more dramatic like ‘I am staring into a blank screen, not knowing what I want to write or say.’ It is not that dramatic after all. My mind is blank and unsure about where these fingers, keys and words are going to take me and I am writing in the middle of thoughts which are as good as naught (and distractions are several)!

I have no thoughts in my mind. I just have feelings – various feelings – where I feel rushed, slow, unable to think and write, incomplete, heavy, strained and constrained. I feel distracted, unable to focus on the three pieces of writing that I have to immediately complete and get out of my way. The very thought of deadlines and writing is pulling me away from the tasks at hand and is making me cringe, whine, try too hard to write and none of this is proving to be productive for anyone, most of all for myself.

So some days ago, when I was unable to write anything in the day, Chintan had suggested to me that I write a blog post in order to relieve my mind. I am not sure what I can write in this post because while I have been running more often, lately, and there are many emotions and feelings that I would like to talk about regarding my recent runs, the words and more importantly the feelings and the integrity are not coming through. Instead, I am going to try randomness and see if what emerges from this randomness is serenity or naught. Randomness in words is difficult in the sense that there is not intended intention of meaning. Yet, if the world is attuned, the meanings will become apparent when one stops the search for meaning.

This randomness, here …

Between us …

I wish there were no words,

Between you and I.

I wish there was no I, between us. 

I wish there were no clothes, 

To conceal our barest bones.

I wish there were no garbs, 

That adorned our nakedness.

I wish there was untold joy,

Childlike, 

Between us, 

That joy which needs no telling, 

That joy that needs no words.

Words, these treacherous words, 

I wish they wouldn’t run through my bloodstream.

If they didn’t, I’d be mute,

Inhaling your presence, as it were, as you are …

Words, these treacherous words,

I wish they didn’t run through your bloodstream.

If they didn’t, you’d be mute

And I’d be ringing your ears with my randomness.

Randomness, you call this it

But I am drunk on my spontaneity,

And these words have no meaning.

You see through me,

If you could,

How much mirth you bring to me?

You see through me,

If you could,

What youth you evoke in me?

You see through me, 

If you could, 

What joyous agonies these are,

And my words, oh, so truthful.

And yet futile they are, these words 

For feelings mean much more.

I wish you were here, right here, right now,

I’d shun these words to embrace you.

You’d read meanings if you were to,

If meanings meant what they were meant to.

You’d shun meaning

If you were to,

To embrace our nudity,

Our mirth, 

Our spirits.

There lies nothing between us,

And yet everything surrounds us,

You may see if you wish to see.

When you do not see,

The apparent begins to appear.

The apparent is no permanence.

It resides in the domain of the temporary.

What is so apparent today,

May not be so tomorrow.

I wish you do not see,

I wish you do not hear,

I wish you do not perceive,

For pictures are only partial.

The truth resides somewhere else,

A domain that you and I know not,

The truth is in our barest bones,

The garbs are therefore but burdens.

So naked we remain

In the truth of truthfulness,

And naked I lie before you.

You may embarrass yourself in my nakedness

Or you may come undressed in truth …

[Dedicated to Chintan]

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About writerruns

I am lost in life. I now run to lose myself and to lose the handles I have been holding on to.
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One Response to Amidst Nothingness and Unkwowness

  1. Kalpana says:

    I have been following your blog for quite some time. Its amazing, your words transport me to another sphere. This poem of yours is also great.

    Keep writing poetry 🙂

    Kalpana

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